Pippa's back in town...

Great news! I read in the Buckingham Palace House Journal, otherwise known as The Daily Telegraph, that Pippa Middleton has exhausted her 29th birthday celebrations in America and  returned to the UK to face the rigours of London's West End party scene. How heartening, to use the Telegraph columnist's expression, that the sister of the Duchess of Cambridge should favour us all not only with her dazzling presence but also with a book recently published in her vivid literary style on the formidable challenges facing high society party planners.

These challenges differ somewhat from those facing a growing number of families in Breadline Britian and what would be truly heartening would be if Pippa and her socialite chums were to join Delia Smith, the celebrity chef, in helping to tackle them. Just weeks after Save the Children shocked the nation by revealing that thousands of parents can no longer afford to feed their children, Delia opened a food bank in north Norfolk. It was the latest addition to a national network of such charity outlets opening in response to the pressing need caused by disgraceful changes in the benefits system.

It has been reported, not in the Telegraph I hasten to add, that in Manchester alone 42 per cent of children live below the poverty line -- double the national rate -- and that more than 40,000 youngsters in the city regularly go hungry. David Cameron has been shamed into admitting that this scandal makes a mockery of his 'Big Society' but the food banks keep opening and there is no sign of any of them closing.

However, as Pippa and her hangers-on will no doubt observe, the same applies to night clubs in the West End. As the song says: "The rich get richer and the poor get poorer...in the meantime, in between-time, ain't we got fun!"

Breakthrough cure for 'thin-skin syndrome'

Forget about global warming, population control and bird flu -- a new crisis of pandemic proportions is threatening Western civilisation. I refer to the startling dermatological discovery of 'thin-skin syndrome' among the hand-wringing PC classes. The main symptom of the disease is a compulsion to take offence for the slightest, most obscure reason. A major outbreak has now been confirmed in Brighton and Hove (where else?). The local council wants to scrap the titles Mr and Mrs because they might offend the 'transgender community', although even in Brighton there can't be that many people who don't know whether they are male or female.
 

Since there seems little hope of a cure for thin-skin syndrome in the near future, I have come up with my own remedy for sufferers: a crash course in journalism. Workshops would include many hours 'doorstepping', with doors repeatedly slammed in their faces and obscene insults shouted through letterboxes. Then they would have to toil over news reports and features to meet impossible deadlines -- only to see their work instantly spiked by ruthless sub-editors.
 

Role-playing sessions could include the PC wimps being manhandled by security staff and police officers, plus simulated riot situations involving being spat at by political extremists hurling bricks and bottles as well as insults. The result of the exercise -- apart from putting people off a thankless, underpaid career as a reporter -- would concentrate the minds of the faint-hearted on a single message: that none of it was personal.The flak was directed not at them but at what they represent -- a free Press doing its job in a democratic society.

When no personal offence is intended, none should be taken. So cut out the hand-wringing and get over it!

 

 

Heterophobia rules -- OK?

Mention the words 'same sex mariage' and the ineluctable Stephen Fry can be relied on to lend his substantial weight to the argument. In the face of growing opposition to the cringe-inducing proposal, this charmless individual (he calls real men 'pussy-bashers', heterophobia being acceptable on TV) has launched a campaign video condemning 'screeching extremists'. It's a characteristically venomous rant denouncing just about everyone who disagrees with him, in particular, of course, the Christian Church.

Central to what passes for his argument is the claim that some animal species display 'gay tendencies' but only human beings exhibit homophobia (fear of homosexuals). How deluded can you get? There is absolutely no way we fear homosexuals. It is they who are heterophobic (fearing heterosexual relationships). Sure, certain species of animals, notably dogs and pigs, exhibit gay tendencies but only when they are deprived of opportunities to mate naturally. The difference between these animals and human beings is that the latter adopt this form of behaviour from choice.

They choose to reject natural procreative -- dare one say God-given -- sexuality in favour of a perverse and dangerously unhealthy habit. Fair enough, that's a matter for them. We won't go into detail on the escalating cost to the NHS of treating the consequences. We simply believe, in our quietly screeching Christian way, that marriage is an essentially dignified institution.

In any objective analysis, a lifestyle that is clearly inconsistent with human dignity cannot qualify for inclusion.

Blessed are the thick-skinned

One of the first things you learn as a journalist, after shorthand and the vital need to spell people's names correctly, is the importance of a thick skin. You can say goodbye to popularity. Bringing into the open what the rich and powerful prefer to remain hidden inevitably makes you deeply unpopular. Ask too many awkward questions and you are likely to face rudeness, harassment, threats and worse. The most common response, of course, is the haughty 'no comment' followed by shutting the door in your face or slamming down the telephone. The most effective is to ignore you completely.

During my long and undistinguished newspaper career, colleagues would compete with each other as to which of us had been rebuffed by the most famous personalities. Some boasted they'd been slighted by pop stars, others by arrogant politicians and oafish celebrities. The best I could manage were Kenny Dalglish, who would elbow you aside if asked for an interview, Graeme Souness who'd ignore you with a supercilious sneer, and Tommy Docherty, who would simply spit on the Old Trafford boardroom carpet before treading it in with his shoe.

On reaching my 80th year, when I thought nothing could hurt any more, my rhino-like hide has been finally punctured by, of all people, the Bishop of Shrewsbury. Last year I wrote to His Grace requesting guidance on a liturgical question. I am still waiting for a reply. However, it would be wrong to say the Curia office has remained silent. I recently received a letter from them asking me for money. Ouch!

For better or perverse?

Whatever you may think about same-sex marriage you have to acknowledge our gay friends' total mastery of the PR process. For 1.5 per cent of the population (Office for National Statistics latest figure) to manipulate the remaining 98.5 per cent, including the Prime Minister, into accepting so cringe-worthy a concept is no small achievement.

The BBC and the Gaydian -- who you might say are already married in terms of a mutual relativist/atheist agenda -- should share the credit, if that's the right word. Thanks to their ongoing propaganda, homosexuals have whipped up a climate of mass hysteria in which anyone opposing their brand of unholy matrimony is labelled homophobic, hateful and worthy of social ostracism.

A Freedom of Information request some time ago revealed that the BBC placed over 90 per cent of its recruitment advertising in the Gaydian, so it's unsurprising that its staff should be heavily loaded in favour of the homosexual crusade. Of course, the Beeb indignantly denies any bias. Reading from a familiar script, a spokesman recently said: "BBC News works to the highest standards of balance and impartiality across the whole of its output. It's absolutely not true to suggest we follow any agenda." But of course. How hateful of us to suggest otherwise.

With the travesty of 'gay marriage' about to be inflicted on the nation whether we like it or not, the story of the Geordie about to emigrate springs to mind. When asked why he was leaving, he replied that 200 years ago homosexuality was punishable by death. One hundred years ago you were sent to prison for it. Now it had been made legal he was getting out before it became compulsory.

 

 

Lessons in swearing

You should hear the swearing at Shafton Advanced Learning Centre, a mixed comprehensive school in Barnsley, Yorkshire...F-words, C-words, S-words - and that's just the teachers!

According to The Daily Telegraph, the school's 700 pupils were instructed to respond to a printed list of obscenities and expletives - the sort used by professional footballers, 'edgy' comedians and bilious TV drama producers. One parent who complained said the children, aged 11 to 14, were "going mad" shouting out foul language in their classrooms.

Another angry father who complained at the school office was shocked when the head teacher phoned him later to ask what the problem was (!). You have to wonder about this individual, who has not been named. Sir Michael Wilshaw, chief inspector of Ofsted, has described head teachers as 'often quite odd people'. You couldn't get any odder than this one.

Schools have a duty of care to ensure pupils' minds are enlightened rather than polluted by irresponsible teachers. The argument has been advanced that children are exposed to swearing as part of everyday life. That's hardly a reason for repeating it on the pretext of education. Young people come into daily contact with other forms of pollution - cigarette smoke for example. But schools don't give lessons in smoking.

Bad language is a crude substitute for an inadequate vocabulary. If children can learn enough good words they will have no need of bad ones.

World Elder Abuse Awareness Day - June 15

Here's a flyer for my book, circulated for World Elder Abuse Awareness Day on June 15, 2012.