All bets off

However historic and significant the leadership contest, bookmakers can usually be relied on to supply a flippant subtext by way of betting odds on 'runners and riders'. But the recent Vatican Stakes, probably the most momentous event of the decade, seemed to attract few wagers

Where the bookies missed a trick was in failing to follow-up on the election of Pope Francis, the former Cardinal Bergoglio, of Argentina. They should have laid odds on the first anti-Catholic bigot to stick the knife in the new Pontiff. The field would have included some strongly fancied runners, with Richard Dawkins the obvious favourite at 6/4. Hard on the heels of this consistent if highly-strung performer, I would have nominated the steadier stayer, Philip Pullman, as second favourite at 5/2.

I'd have quoted Stephen Fry at 15/2, despite carrying top weight; Polly Toynbee, a fractious filly, at 10/1; the temperamental shaggy beast A.C. Grayling, 16-1. Others including the erratic Woody Allen and moody Martin Amis, listed at 20-1, would have headed numerous outsiders from the Beeb, Tablet and Gaydian stables, with the mare, Mary Warnock, perhaps past her best now, at 100-1.

Maybe I am missing my way as a turf accountant because, in the event, my book would have cleaned up -- the winner being Alan Rusbridger, editor of the Gaydian. Within 24 hours of the Pope's election, this dark horse tweeted a link to a 2011 article by Hugh O'Shaughnessy that accused Cardinal Bergoglio of conniving with the Argentine navy to hide political prisoners from human rights inspectors.

The source of this story was given as an Argentine journalist, Horacio Verbitsky. Unfortunately for the Gaydian, as the pernicious rag later had to admit, Verbitsky "does not make this claim". So as The Daily Telegraph gleefully pointed out, the story was false and a gross libel.

After a stewards' inquiry, however, the result stands: Rusbridger was first to put the knife in. His form guide now reads: very fast out of the stalls but runs out of staying power after a few yards.

Apocalypse soon?

Sorry to interrupt the onging speculation about apocalyptic over-population, dwindling food stocks and antibiotic-resistant viruses but it seems there's a threat to the planet of more immediate concern. On February 15 this year a 150ft chunk of space rock known as Asteroid 2012 DA14, will hurtle past the Earth at a distance of 17,000 miles  -- well below the orbit of our communications satellites and an extermely narrow squeak in cosmic terms.

That's assuming the astronomers have got it right, of course. Why should we question the impeccable calculations of these expert scientists? Well, because the asteroid has been making a regular approach to our planet every year but they only noticed it by chance a few months ago. So their predictions do not exacly fill us with confidence. What if they are mistaken? Asteroid 2012 DA 14 is travelling at 17,400 mph. If it struck Earth it would do so with the power of a 2.25 megaton hydrogen bomb. The impact would be sufficient to destroy an area the size of Greater London.

We're told there are another 500,000 rocks circling planet Earth -- and they're just the ones the infallible, omniscient scientists have noticed! How many more remain undetected, waiting to inflict the ultimate solution to global over-population? Those who put their faith in science rather than in God may one day supply an answer. Until then -- keep praying!

Any excuse for a party

Not content with last year's lavish diamond jubilee extravaganza, the Queen is planning yet another junket this summer. Although last year's splurge marked the anniversary of her official accession to the throne in 1952, the actual coronation took place a year later. So hey, any excuse for another OTT royal rave.

We are informed that the monarch, her dire husband and other members of the world's most dysfunctional high-profile family will attend a four-day 'festival' at Buck House in July. The event, described as a major highlight of the coronation celebrations, is expected to attract the usual sycophantic politicians, military chiefs and foreign 'dignitaries' ever ready to indulge themselves at UK taxpayers' expense -- plus thousands of gullible Londoners and tourists fired by an insatiable lust for meaningless pomp and pageantry.

If you have the misfortune to fall into any of these categories, the 'festival of innovation, excellence and industry' will be held in the Buck House gardens from July 11 to 14. So apply early for tickets and you may get to meet Harry, the playboy prince, who will explain how he felt about killing people in Afghanistan; or even the grand duke himself. Women should be on their guard, however. He once famously asked a female guest at a similar bash: "You are a woman, aren't you?"

Alternatively, if you live in the real world outside the capital, you might consider donating the ticket money, not to mention the exhorbitant cost of four nights' stay in London, towards the rising number of food banks opening across the North of England. As the disunited kingdom heads for a triple-dip recession, these vital centres cannot afford a party. It is as much as they can manage to keep thousands of Brenda's impoverished subjects from the brink of starvation.

As that nice Mr Osborne helpfully put it, we are all in this together. Sadly, the ruling class, cushioned from real life by their monstrous wealth and their seven palaces, have long since secured themselves an opt-out.

Going crackers at Christmas

It's that time of year again -- when a coalition of the ungodly and the unhinged crawls out of the woodwork to attack the greatest event in the history of the world. Christmas, chorus the atheists, humanists, relativists and PC control freaks, has no place in a multi-cultural society. It should be replaced by a secular 'Winterval' festival so that no offence would be caused to ethnic minorities.

Even when the ethnic minorities in question deny any offence is taken and actually welcome the Christian message of peace and goodwill to all men (sorry, persons), the great reformers affect not to hear. To admit that they might have got it badly wrong would be unthinkable. Hell would freeze over. You get the feeling they're infected by Dawkins-style delusions of grandeur, grasping at generous invitations from cronies at the BBC and C4 to poison the airwaves with their prejudice. (There's hope for ITV).

Such is the success enjoyed by the creepy coalition that it seems only a matter of time before the killjoys completely adulterate our most sublime religious festival. The imagination boggles. Christmas trees could be outlawed  to save the planet. Lentil roasts (Gaydian special recipe) might usurp traditional turkey to protect our health. 'Old-fashioned' carols give way to rock 'music'.Repeats of Life of Brian and Gerry Springer the Opera replace the Queen's Speech.

And sooner or later the Health and Safety Police could be relied on to ban Christmas crackers on the grounds that people might fall backwards and hurt themselves. I'm surprised they haven't thought of it already. Give them time! Meanwhile, God rest ye merry gentle people, let nothing you dismay...

Pippa's back in town...

Great news! I read in the Buckingham Palace House Journal, otherwise known as The Daily Telegraph, that Pippa Middleton has exhausted her 29th birthday celebrations in America and  returned to the UK to face the rigours of London's West End party scene. How heartening, to use the Telegraph columnist's expression, that the sister of the Duchess of Cambridge should favour us all not only with her dazzling presence but also with a book recently published in her vivid literary style on the formidable challenges facing high society party planners.

These challenges differ somewhat from those facing a growing number of families in Breadline Britian and what would be truly heartening would be if Pippa and her socialite chums were to join Delia Smith, the celebrity chef, in helping to tackle them. Just weeks after Save the Children shocked the nation by revealing that thousands of parents can no longer afford to feed their children, Delia opened a food bank in north Norfolk. It was the latest addition to a national network of such charity outlets opening in response to the pressing need caused by disgraceful changes in the benefits system.

It has been reported, not in the Telegraph I hasten to add, that in Manchester alone 42 per cent of children live below the poverty line -- double the national rate -- and that more than 40,000 youngsters in the city regularly go hungry. David Cameron has been shamed into admitting that this scandal makes a mockery of his 'Big Society' but the food banks keep opening and there is no sign of any of them closing.

However, as Pippa and her hangers-on will no doubt observe, the same applies to night clubs in the West End. As the song says: "The rich get richer and the poor get poorer...in the meantime, in between-time, ain't we got fun!"

Breakthrough cure for 'thin-skin syndrome'

Forget about global warming, population control and bird flu -- a new crisis of pandemic proportions is threatening Western civilisation. I refer to the startling dermatological discovery of 'thin-skin syndrome' among the hand-wringing PC classes. The main symptom of the disease is a compulsion to take offence for the slightest, most obscure reason. A major outbreak has now been confirmed in Brighton and Hove (where else?). The local council wants to scrap the titles Mr and Mrs because they might offend the 'transgender community', although even in Brighton there can't be that many people who don't know whether they are male or female.
 

Since there seems little hope of a cure for thin-skin syndrome in the near future, I have come up with my own remedy for sufferers: a crash course in journalism. Workshops would include many hours 'doorstepping', with doors repeatedly slammed in their faces and obscene insults shouted through letterboxes. Then they would have to toil over news reports and features to meet impossible deadlines -- only to see their work instantly spiked by ruthless sub-editors.
 

Role-playing sessions could include the PC wimps being manhandled by security staff and police officers, plus simulated riot situations involving being spat at by political extremists hurling bricks and bottles as well as insults. The result of the exercise -- apart from putting people off a thankless, underpaid career as a reporter -- would concentrate the minds of the faint-hearted on a single message: that none of it was personal.The flak was directed not at them but at what they represent -- a free Press doing its job in a democratic society.

When no personal offence is intended, none should be taken. So cut out the hand-wringing and get over it!

 

 

Heterophobia rules -- OK?

Mention the words 'same sex mariage' and the ineluctable Stephen Fry can be relied on to lend his substantial weight to the argument. In the face of growing opposition to the cringe-inducing proposal, this charmless individual (he calls real men 'pussy-bashers', heterophobia being acceptable on TV) has launched a campaign video condemning 'screeching extremists'. It's a characteristically venomous rant denouncing just about everyone who disagrees with him, in particular, of course, the Christian Church.

Central to what passes for his argument is the claim that some animal species display 'gay tendencies' but only human beings exhibit homophobia (fear of homosexuals). How deluded can you get? There is absolutely no way we fear homosexuals. It is they who are heterophobic (fearing heterosexual relationships). Sure, certain species of animals, notably dogs and pigs, exhibit gay tendencies but only when they are deprived of opportunities to mate naturally. The difference between these animals and human beings is that the latter adopt this form of behaviour from choice.

They choose to reject natural procreative -- dare one say God-given -- sexuality in favour of a perverse and dangerously unhealthy habit. Fair enough, that's a matter for them. We won't go into detail on the escalating cost to the NHS of treating the consequences. We simply believe, in our quietly screeching Christian way, that marriage is an essentially dignified institution.

In any objective analysis, a lifestyle that is clearly inconsistent with human dignity cannot qualify for inclusion.